Nose To Nose
by meme-asaurus
Summary: Mayor Dewey likes Pearl. He asks her on a date. Pearl says yes. She realizes it's a date. It all goes to hell.


**AN: Guess what? I don't own Steven Universe. Otherwise, this might be an actual episode. A horrid notion, I know. Take it away, Pearl.**

* * *

STEVEN IS WRONG. Steven means well as he always does, but he's wrong. I don't care how many times he makes that face of his. I don't need this. I don't need human interaction, I don't need human friendship and I don't need humans. Okay, I didn't mean that last part. Of course I need humans. I love humans. Rose loved humans. Humans are the reason I'm spending the rest of my life on this miserable hunk of r-Earth. I am living on Earth for the humans. Therefore, what more could they need of me?

Apologies, I should start from the beginning. We haven't been getting as many missions as of late, and according to Amethyst, I have a case of 'ants in my pants.' Which, by the way, is preposterous. I haven't worn pants in decades and I keep every part of the temple as clean as possible. In fact, I was in the middle of cleaning the sink for the 4th time over when Steven suggested that we take the night off. I objected at first. I am still objecting. For all that we know, gem monsters could strike at any time at any corner of the planet. If anything, they haven't stopped at all and they're just getting better at stealth. Instead, as I suggested, we should double our patrols. Garnet made a counter-argument: Nothing was happening that evening and the team needed something to do. Or as she phrased it, I needed something to do.

Which, by the way, is also preposterous. I have been keeping busy: Cleaning the temple, sharpening my sword collection, maintaining Rose's fountain garden, wiping the all the gunk off myself due to the aftermath of maintaining Rose's fountain garden, cleaning the temple again, trying to negotiate Amethyst into organizing all the junk in her room, listening to some of the human music still worth listening to (SEE, STEVEN? THAT COUNTS AS INTERACTION), checking the fridge to make sure that Steven's meals are still balanced and nutritious, fiddling with some of the new gem tech we salvaged from the spaceship crash, cleaning the temple after the said tech blew up in my face, and cleaning to temple enough times to get all those little spots out.

But at the end of the day, it is very hard to argue Garnet. Long story short, we are bowling with two other families tonight. The Pizzas and the Doobies. Dewey. Steven has informed me that their name is Dewey. Sorry.

Much like any human sport, the rules of bowling are complicated and a little stupid, but I'm used to playing along to appeal to Steven's happiness. It also helps to check the international rules for this game on Steven's phone every few minutes. No Steven, I am not avoiding conversation; I am making sure that everyone is up to speed on the pastime of bowling. Apparently, you are supposed to _roll_ the ball, not hurl it airborne at the pins. Surprisingly, Garnet has broken this rule more often than Amethyst. The purple terror herself has simply gotten grumpy after three gutter balls in a row and never recovered, score-wise or mood-wise. Heh, gutter balls. I'm getting cozy with the terminology already. See, Steven? This is how you _really_ have fun. Once you gain understanding of something, you gain mastery over it. In theory, anyway. True skill takes practice. Never forget that, Steven. It's what your mother told me when teaching me how to swordfi-

One of the parents walks up to me. Does he not know that it's rude when two people are having a moment?

"C-come here often?" he stutters. He wipes away a percentage of sweat from his brow, avoiding eye contact.

"No," I inform him. It comes out a bit harsher than I intend it to be.

"Oh," he says, shrinking back. He clears his throat. He is nervous about something, but I can't pin it down. This competition can't be _that_ intense. "Well, what places _do_ you came around often?"

It's about now that I recognize him. He's supposedly the latest authority figure in Beach City, Mayor Doob-Dewey. He is not wearing his usual blazer and tie, but a member's-only jacket, which I haven't seen around since the nineteen-eighties. Or was it seventeen-eighties? I can never recall those kinds of things properly.

He waves his hand in front of my face. "Um, hello? Miss Universe?"

I brush his hand away. Okay, so it was more a smack, judging by how he recoils. I think I hurt him. "Oh! Sorry, sorry. I just drifted off for a moment and you startled me a bit," I say. "Ahem. Anyway, it's not 'Miss Universe.' I prefer 'Pearl.' And to answer your first question, I visit many places around the planet with varying frequencies."

Under his pain, Dewey flashes that forced smile I see every so often. "Oh, you travel abroad?"

"Technically, yes," I answer. "My job is very important and demanding." I swell with pride. The smack couldn't have been that hard, since his smile is more genuine now.

"So, what do you do?" Dewey presses forward.

"I fight monsters and protect the Earth," I say. "Some of the battles have been pretty close to Beach City. Have you not noticed? I thought that this was obvious."

"Oh," he realizes. "Yeah. Right. Forgot about that for a moment." He scratches the back of his head. He needs that handkerchief again. That sweating of his is getting out of control. He's thinking about what to say next, but I'm starting to hope that he comes up blank soon. "So, I've been a bit too h-hard on your household about that. You cause a lot of property damage, b-but those monsters you fight cause a lot of property damage too, and you stopping them c-counts as great service to the Beach City community."

"Hm," I mutter. I feel a smile stretching across my face. This is starting to feel less awkward, thank goodness.

"S-so as a small gesture of gratitude," he prattles on, "I was thinking that m-m-maybe I could treat you to a cup of coffee tomorrow."

Well, it would be rude to turn down a reward. Food is atrocious to eat, but liquids are acceptable for special occasions. Plus, I can always spit it out into a potted plant or something when nobody's looking. "Sure," I shrug. "Coffee. Tomorrow. Whatever. I'll meet you at seven."

* * *

This was a mistake. This was a horrible, horrible mistake. Amethyst hasn't left me alone for hours. She's even cut into her sleeping quota to pester me about it.

"PEARL'S GOT A BOYYYFRIEND!" I hear for the hundredth time. This is almost as bad as the Wailing Stone. '"PEARL'S GOT A BOYFRIEND! PEARL'S GOT A BOYFRIEND! PEARL'S GOT A BOYFRIEND!"

"Garnet," I beg, " _please_ tell me that you have a mission for us." I lie defeated on the living room couch, my nigh-immortal throat sore from the ceaseless requests for Amethyst to stop and desist. It's almost enough for me to take a lozenge.

"Nope," Garnet answers, popping her lips slightly at the end of the syllable.

Steven, on the other hand, has gone uncharacteristically quiet. I can't get a read on him, but he's not smiling or laughing at Amethyst's jokes. As politely as I can, I stuff a mattress into Amethyst's mouth so Steven and I can talk.

"What's wrong, Steven? Is something bothering you? Did you eat your breakfast? Did your breakfast not agree with you stomach again?"

"It's not that," Steven says, fixated on his feet. "It's none of that. It's just…" He sniffles. I repeat: He has just sniffled. We might have a Code Waterworks. GARNET, GET THE TISSUES AND ICE CREAM SANDWITCHES, THE SITUATION HAS EXCEEDED INTO A CODE-

"Pearl, I'm fine," Steven assures me. "I just have a question." He gulps.

"What kind of question?"

"Pearl, are you going to make… someone like me with the Mayor?"

Words fail me. Words literally fail me. Or more accurately, I have failed at words. I sputter and attempt to annunciate proper syllables, but nothing but gibberish comes out. My cheeks are hot and flaring blue. I attempt to communicate with my hands, but my limbs uselessly fail about. Amethyst takes this opportunity to take the mattress out of her mouth and roar with laughter. Garnet, remind me to clean the mattress.

"YEAH PEARL, ARE YOU GONNA MAKE A BAY-BEEEE?" she mocks.

I finally have a word ready, and I make good use of it. "NO. NO NO NO NO. NONONONONONO! JUST-UGH-AMETHYST-NO! STEVEN THAT'S-NO." There. I hope that cleared things up for the both of them. I punctuate my point by deciding to leave early and slamming the door behind me. Over Amethyst's howling jeers and my feet stomping down the steps of the temple, I make out Garnet's views on the subject:

"Have fun, Pearl."

* * *

The Big Donut is far from the most formal eating establishment in Beach City, much less among the list of restaurants that I've visited on Earth. Its two employees, Lars and Sadie, are nice enough to greet me as I come in. Not quite in the mood for such formalities, I grunt a reply as I take a seat by the window.

As I mutter to myself how ridiculous Steven's notion was, I look out towards the ocean. I've always appreciated the vastness of it. The isolation one could find in it. It reminds me of the quiet void of space. Space. The human term for it bothered me quite a bit back in the day, back when it was 'outer space.' Can you imagine? Humans called it 'outer space,' as if everything in the universe is simply dismissed 'outside of Earth's atmosphere' or 'anything that's not this one single planet.' No wonder humanity used to think Earth was the center of the universe. It's so vain. Now space is just called 'space.' I like 'space' better. It just implies the nonexistence of matter. The space between one celestial body and another. Space is distance. Space is solitude. Space is just a vacuum waiting for something beautiful to occupy it. Space is now untapped potential.

My train of thought is interrupted when I hear the door chime as they open. Mayor Dewey makes his entrance, sweaty as ever.

"Mornin'!" he exclaims, waving his hand high in the air, as I'm a million miles away and not a few meters. That's the thing I've noticed about him: He tries too hard at things. Gracious, learn to breathe, kid. Then again, I guess I can't blame him for being like that. Taking on a leadership is hard work, and not everyone is cut out for that task. You need someone like Rose or Garnet by your side to support you or calm you down when things get hectic. Or, you know, have them take charge completely. Only on occasion. Shut up.

"Good morning," I reply. "Or at least weather-wise. This morning for me was super-stressful. You would not believe the night I just had."

"I know the feeling," Dewey agrees. "My arm is completely sore from all the bowling last night. I guess that I really _pulled_ something from _stretching_ my potential." He laughs. I laugh. We keep laughing. Why are we laughing this much? It wasn't that funny. Ugh, it's awkward again. Let's just get drinks.

He orders his drink cream and lots of sugar. Understandable, since this stuff just tastes like absurdly strong tea. I order actual tea. We sit there, taking our first few sips. The silence is deafening. It's almost enough to make me miss Amethyst's screeching insults. Almost.

"So!" Dewey blurts out, "What made you decide to come to our little Beach City?"

"We didn't," I correct him. "The temple has been around for millennia. Rose Quartz decided to build it away from society so no humans would get hurt if the temple was ever under siege. Then some people just happened to build a town here a few years back." I take a sigh. "That was just _fine_ by Rose for some reason. She said that we had no right to tell them what they can and can't do. At least I convinced her to build a fence so that none of you people could get in."

Dewey looks confused now. "You don't _have_ a fence."

"Well, not anymore," I say, averting my eyes to the table. I hope I'm not blushing. I blush way too easily. "We had it taken down after Rose started seeing Greg, or I should say that _Greg_ took it down. And by that, I mean Greg ran over it with his van."

Dewey has a lot of nerve to chuckle at that. This time, I do not laugh with him. He coughs and apologizes. I sip my tea.

"So Mayor," I impose, "What made you take an interest in the Crystal Gems and their activities?"

"No, please," he says with a smile, "call me Bill."

"Oh, is that short for William?"

"Actually, it's short for Billboard."

"…"

"…"

"I'll call you William. So, my question?"

"Yes, o-of course. As you know, Beach City is a small town, and I make sure to keep in touch with every citizen in it, but you're kind a special case…" He's going on from that, but I'm not paying attention. I have noticed that we are being watched. A table or two down, a very Steven-shaped little man in a very unconvincing fake moustache is glancing at us over his shoulder, pretending to read the Sunday comics section. Connie is there too, attempting to conceal her identity with a big sunhat and another newspaper. She even took the time to cut eyeholes out of it. A waste of perfectly good paper.

"Excuse me for a moment," I say as I stand up. Steven realizes that I've caught on and pretends to focus on eating the donut that he purchased. He shrivels in his chair as I loom over him.

"Is there a problem, Miss?" Steven says, trying to disguise his voice by making it deeper.

"Steven, I know it's you."

"ABORT MISSION," Connie hollers. "ABORT! ABORT!"

They rush off, stuffing the pastries in their mouths as the bursts out the door. Don't they know that's the way humans choke on something? I hope they're okay.

* * *

Four minutes. It takes them four minutes for them to come up with something else, and I use that term loosely.

It's nice to know that they can fuse so easily, though. Stevonnie looks nice today, even with that fake moustache.

"Hello, good sir," Stevonnie says to Lars. "I would like to buy a coffee."

The cashier stumbles with his words. I don't know what his problem is. I've always thought moustaches were the most unattractive things that could grow on humans, and Rose talked us into housing the sick during the Black Death.

That's not what concerns me, though. "STEVEN, YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DRINK COFFEE."

They unfuse due to panic. "ABORT! ABORT!"

William looks on in bafflement. "But… but how can two kids-"

"It's a long story."

"I've got time."

"You know what? I've got time, too."

* * *

Apparently, we _did_ have a lot of time. It took Steven and Connie a full half hour to initiate their next plan of infiltration. They had awful timing, though. I was just wrapping up on how Gem fusion works and starting on the possible hypotheses I had for Steven being able to fuse with humans. Anyway, my surveyors are now just stacked on top of each other in a trench coat. Amethyst is the head.

Not a word was spoken. I trip them over and they run for the hills.

I take a sip of my tea, only to find out that I had finished long ago. William has also finished his drink. What's more, there's only an awkward pause every eight minutes instead of two. This is strange, but it's also strange that it doesn't _feel_ strange. It's almost like this behavior is only socially acceptable to between the two of us.

Just the two of us.

The two of us.

Us.

Oh no.

Breathe, Pearl, breathe. This is not happening to you. This can't possibly be happening. I can't really be forming a relationship to a human, I can't afford to connect to something so fragile, and most importantly, Amethyst CANNOT be right about something. Those three things simply do not exist in my life. Not now, not ever. So, obviously, this is _not_ really happening. I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming the worst possible situation I could find myself in. Somewhere down the block, Steven is dead, Amethyst and Garnet have decided to stay fused forever and the Homeworld has arrived to destroy the planet. I just know it. I must have fell asleep at some point. This makes sense now. I shall close my eyes, count to three, and I will wake in reality.

One.

Two.

Three.

Okay, I'm still in the dream. Still don't remember falling asleep. Maybe a Gem monster is doing this. Yeah, okay. Never read up on anything that could do something like this before, but you learn something new every day. Maybe if I pinch myself hard enough, I will wake up.

"Pearl, are you alright?" Willi-STOP CALLING HIM WILLIAM, IDIOT-Mayor Dewey asks me. I don't bother responding; he's just a hallucination of some kind. I pinch myself and grit my teeth. I pinch again. I pinch a third time. That's not helping at all. Think, Pearl! Think of your training. What's one of those things Rose always said to you?

 _Make sure to smile every day, Pearl. The world will learn to smile with you._

NO, NOT THAT ONE.

 _Never be afraid to let love and mercy enter you heart._

NOT HELPING, ROSE.

"Pearl? Pearl! Speak to me! Somebody call 9-1-1!"

WILLIAM, HONEY, NOT NOW. JUST A MINOR PANIC ATTACK, NO WORRIES. ROSE, YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD ONE.

 _Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Heh, I got that from this human book._

…Okay, I give up. This is real. There's only one option left, in that case.

I run so fast, the glass door doesn't have time to open and I crash right through it. I'll pay for that later. Being alone takes priority now.

* * *

The flowing water of my part of the temple usually relaxes me. Now, it just reminds me that I have pee out that tea sometime. Disgusting. Why did I ever agree to this? Seriously, why? The last few days are a blur. At the time it just seemed like a standard chain of events, one decision linking to another. Now, it's all one slippery slope to me doing things I would never even consider doing ten years ago.

Amethyst is the first one to reach me. She had shapeshifted into a trout, climbing up one of the many waterfalls with an endurance that I rarely see out her due to her sloth-like habits. She's really determined to have a word with me. Well, too bad. I don't even feel like looking at her. She's quiet, though. Much too quiet. No jeers. No insults. No nicknames. Things don't make sense again. This is a golden opportunity for her. I steal a glace over my shoulder. She's not even smiling. Who is this Gem and what has she done with Amethyst? Okay, she just rolled her eyes at me. False alarm.

"I hate it when you, get like this, you know," she sighs. "Oh, woe is me! I have to deal with emotions and relationships and stuff! Oh, how come my problems can't all be solved by a giving a lecture and telling myself that I'm right?"

"This. Isn't. Funny," I hiss.

"Course it ain't," she says back. I can hear her smile again in her tone. "Your boyfriend called an ambulance on you and now the sirens won't let me sleep."

"Leave me alone," I tell her, my voice cracking.

I can hear Amethyst rub her forehead and groan. "I'm not that good at giving pep talks, so I'm gonna bring Steven up here. Back in a sec."

No. I can't face him like this. I need to get out of here. I need to be alone. Also, I still need to pee. I leap down toward my door to the temple. After I take two breaths to regain my composure, I open the door and bolt to the toilet we built for Steven and lock myself in. I shapeshift to form the… ugh… _necessary plumbing_ and I relieve myself. I should be safe here for now.

Unfortunately, I wasn't fast enough. Garnet was waiting, and Garnet saw me. Two brisk knocks rattle the door's hinges.

All I can think to say is, "Occupied!" Still sitting, I put my feet up against the door to form a pseudo-barricade.

"Trust me, Pearl," Garnet's voice replies, "We don't have it in the budget to fix this door again. Don't make me break it down." She's right, as usual. Garnet's always right, and not just because of her precognitive abilities. Wait a minute. Garnet's got precognitive abilities. **She saw this coming**. She saw this happening to me and she did nothing.

Rage fumes up inside me, and the bathroom door slams against the wall when I open it. "YOU."

Garnet retains a straight face, but she knows what I'm talking about. I know that she knows. I just know it.

"How come you didn't warn me about William?" I bark as I point an accusing finger at her face. It's been awhile since I took this tone with Garnet. How long, exactly? Twenty thousand years? Fifty? What's important is that she isn't pushing back now. Neither is she backing down, though.

"William?" Garnet repeats. Darn it.

"Don't change the subject!" I scream. My face is getting hot again. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry. I finished crying back in my room. It's hard to tell from behind Garnet's shades, but I think she might feel sorry for me. There's evidence of her brow forming a saddened expression. Well, I don't need her pity. "How could you *sniff* let this happen to me?"

"What you have done so far has been a product of your own decisions," Garnet says after a pause. "I'm going to trust your judgement to handle this situation, and I suggest you do the same." She lays a hand on my shoulder. "Now, are you going to tell those people outside from the hospital that you're all right, or do I have to?"

* * *

Oh God, what did I do wrong? I was having fun. She was having fun. What happened back there? I go through the events over and over in my head. I nut up and ask a girl I like out for coffee. I listen to every word she says. It's even interesting. I pay for the drinks. We kind of made it to a first-name basis. Did I talk too much about myself? Did I say too little commentary about her job? What if there was something in that tea of hers? I swear, right after this, I'm going to call a health inspector on that place. Maybe the new cologne wasn't a good idea. Maybe I came off as too nervous. I certainly look like a freak now. The people from the ambulance offered me a shock blanket. It feels warm, but I'm still cold inside. My skin, on the other hand, insists that's 90 degrees Fahrenheit out here and I'm sweltering to death. I don't care. I just hope that Pearl's okay.

Wait, the door to her house just opened. It's her. It's really her. She's alright. Does she hate me? Does she think I overreacted? Now that I think about it, calling 9-1-1 was a little harsh for the first date. She does the big leap thing her sisters do at the end of their monster fights and the people start asking them for the repair costs. Unlike the usual times, she doesn't go far off into the horizon. She lands in front of me. She doesn't look happy. I was totally right. I did something wrong.

"There. See? I'm fine. Happy?" she snaps at one of the nurses. "Go. Shoo." She turns to look me in the eye, and I flinch involuntarily. "Except you, William. You stay."

The nurses protest, it only takes them one look in the eye and they start packing. They take the towel from me and drive off, their wheels struggling for traction in the sand. Now, it's just me and her. She folds her arms. She's less stern, yet more uncomfortable. She mumbles something, and it sounds like it's directed at me.

"Sorry, what?"

"I said that I'm sorry for making you worry like that. I'm supposed to guard this planet and Beach City, and it was wrong to get you tangled up in the jeopardy of my well-being."

"But you're fine now, right?"

"Yes. No. Not in the way that medical staff could help me, anyway."

That's enough to scare me. I grab her the arms. "What wrong with you, then? Is it my fault?"

She is unsure of her answer to that. She opens and closes her mouth again and again. Finally, she says, "William, I believe the term you humans use for this situation is 'it's not you, it's me.'"

"Oh," I mutter, putting my hands off her.

"I'm not really emotionally ready for a relationship," she explains, "and being how fragile human life is, I don't want to get attached to someone who'll be gone in… William, don't cry. If you cry, then I cry and-d th-th-that just makes it harder when… BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

William and just stand there, my arms flung around him like he'll disappear the moment I let go. I keep thinking about Rose. How she fell in love with one of these people, how she abandoned us, how it still impacts us today, what she'd say to me right now, and most of all, the moments that her and I shared together. She'd be proud of me, but I'll never be proud of myself. I guess that's how our relationship always worked.

I'm going to go by this thing with William step-by-step, and right now I have two final decisions: One, I am never going to abandon Steven. Never in literally a million years and beyond. Two, I'm going to see humans more often. And yeah, this is only one human, but I happen to like him, no matter how much that makes me reel in terror. I know one thing for sure, and that's never up to me: Amethyst is going to never let this one go. So, why don't I enjoy myself while it lasts? While _he_ lasts?

My nose pokes him in the eye when we kiss. Typical.


End file.
